I woke up one morning, not too many mornings ago, feeling bleak and unnecessary. Like so many mornings since my son, Light, had died, I have felt almost like an extension of the bed, a huge effort required to separate myself from it. I went and lay down with Marla, on her bed, which is the first thing I do every morning, just holding her, feeling the life inside her. My puppy, Arjun, is now 3 months and 15 days old. He is growing fast as is his love for me, and mine for him. Yet, I missed Light all the time, feeling wretched and washed out. The Music inside me seemed dead as well, I had hardly been playing, or practising, just doing the bare minimum to keep it going. This morning, Arjun came bounding upto me as he had fallen into the habit of doing, every morning, jumping all over me, and Marla, wriggling, biting, kissing, this pounding heart of energy and new life, falling all over the place. It suddenly hit me, as we were all knotted up together and I burst into laughter. It didn’t matter. I was blessed, so blessed. The habits of my living, striving for improvement, constantly scrutinising myself and everything that flew out from that, the ingratitude, the selfish feelings of worthlessness, the illusion of choice. The relief when I let it go. The relief when I said thank you. The relief of being grateful.
As he licked my face clean.