Balance

Photo by Nandhu Kumar on Pexels.com

I forgot what I was going to write about…ah yesterday. Yesterday was one of the most overwhelming days I’ve lived through. I’m not sure how to begin. I meditated ‘several times’ yesterday. I think it was the second ‘session’, one of my students had not practised and I was waiting for her to play the two lines of music she was supposed to. I did not feel like reading and after the morning’s meditation where I had experienced something new, I wanted to try it again. So I closed my eyes. I am accustomed to feeling cool when I meditate, I become relaxed, my BMR drops, and often I find myself turning off the fan (I never meditate with the AC on) or slowing it down, a few minutes through. Yesterday it started to happen again, I was full of energy and decided to try something new. I wanted to feel hot instead. So I imagined sitting in a fire. Or rather I created a fire, within minutes my BMR rose, I started to feel hot, breathing rate increased. I wanted to push it till I broke out into a sweat but lost the nerve and ‘focus’ (although focus is not the right word at all, I don’t know what to replace it with). I opened my eyes and sat there breathing rapidly, completely overwhelmed. I had been experiencing a tummy ache all morning. I have in the last few weeks successfully healed my own small aches and pains by meditating. I had forgotten I could do that. So I meditated and the pain was gone. Later at yet another session (I have a tendency to overdo things), pure experience. It was complete, there was nothing, only peace. For the first time in my life I was entirely peaceful, I could have died at that point except even that felt meaningless. I burst into tears and called for my mother. I saw the concern on her face as I sat there crying. My whole life I had Wanted peace, detachment. What an ironical statement. It feels like a super power. I need to learn the balance. I meditated this morning, 20 minutes simply disappeared, I didn’t want to stop but the children had not had breakfast and there’s no point meditating if your kids starve in the process. I need to learn the balance. I need to learn the balance.

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