Trouble

Yesterday was not a nice day. I worked till 5, I was tired but quite content, I played chess, called my brother, he didn’t pick up and called me back half an hour later. This annoyed me, I’m not very good at communicating and expect him to always be available when I’m trying to, I’m quite selfish when I’m tired. I’ve perhaps mentioned this already, but I have had a very troubled relationship with my father. He’s almost never been there for me. And my brother has had to fill in a lot of spaces for me. However, over the years life takes you places. I was this silly thing even into my early 20’s believing that my brother and I would always be best friends, spend time together, share. This has not worked out, he lives on a different continent now, which is part, but not all of the problem. I have struggled a lot with this emptiness, part of the substance abuse comes from here. In fact more than a part, when I was intoxicated, often, I could disconnect myself from this despair. Yesterday night, during a long argument, I was surprised at how fresh the pain still felt. I don’t feel sorry for myself, nor do I sympathise with this attachment, but the truth I cannot sidestep. It is still within me, deep within me. These feelings are very very hard for me to share, but my healing rests on honesty. I am troubled, it is so hard to love and not expect and yet this is what I reach for.

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