I meditated after a long time today, the bansuri is my sound of calm, of death, I feel rested. My inner eye has scanned me over. I actively avoid meditating however, because it is a skill I am good at, and improve upon each time I sit down to it, and whenever I enter that state of being, my desire to return to This life is considerably reduced. This scares me.

Yesterday I could feel the old feelings, the desire for oblivion, the restlessness. An addict’s mind is never free from the shadow, always there, like a loyal dog. My mother senses these moments, I feel so sorry for the hardship I cause her.

I think I shall start meditating again, twice a day, at the risk of turning into the recluse I was perhaps meant to be.

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