I was very depressed in med school. I probably related more to the dead bodies in anatomy hall than the students around me. I’d studied hard to get into one of the top schools of the country, funded by the government, with an annual fee of something ridiculous like five thousand rupees. The entrance exam itself had drained me, the chronic tiredness that was going to follow me around for the rest of my life had started to seep in. We were somewhere near 250 students a batch, more than 50% from the reserved category. There were very few people with a background I could relate to. Which was not the problem though, I grew up for the most part in New Delhi, it’s not a particularly healthy place, even I know that.
Ambition. That was what I had begun to sense. In school, we competed, I was excellent in my studies but the competition was never serious, at least not for me, I tried my best and got on with it, irrespective of the results (this was a pure lesson my parents had wired into me, to try your best and then not give a fuck about the outcome). In college however everything started to close in, I cannot seriously spar with anyone, it’s enough to wrestle with my own ideals. So I began to recede from these people who had plans and futures that involved ‘real’ things, money, status, relationships, Things. I just wanted clarity and honesty and love. In my young naive mind I could not fathom the importance of anything else. Ah yes, except, I wanted to die without regret, with my head held high and a peaceful love in my heart.
Several years later, some things have changed. People around me grow old, bitter, the youthful light-heartedness replaced by staged ideas and rigid ideals based on a universal ignorance.
And I am still the wide-eyed child staring into the sun, baffled. The Wonder.